Childhood emotional neglect is like a school bully in that the messages you were given as a child keep bullying you into adulthood, sometimes with no let up.
Many children suffered emotional neglect at the hands of well meaning parents who for a variety of reasons were not able or willing to give them the emotional support they needed.
These children were often bullied, criticized, left alone to figure things out, and in the worst cases tormented by the adults who were supposed to be taking care of them.
Maybe your parent was ill, single and needed to work 2 jobs to survive, or maybe he or she never got their emotional needs met as children and just didn’t have anything to give. They may have been absent physically or emotionally. Or they may have been raised by critical parents who honestly believed that was how to raise a child.
How can I know if I was emotionally neglected?
If, as an adult, you are highly critical of yourself and others, you may have been emotionally neglected as a child. If you tend to shut down instead of experience difficult emotions, it may have been that emotions weren’t tolerated in your family of origin.
You may have been told to “keep a stiff upper lip”, that you were overly sensitive, or that if you didn’t shape up and conform to your parents expectations, you’d be given something to cry about.
Or you may have taken it for granted that you had to shoulder an inappropriate amount of responsibility as a child. Most children who are emotionally neglected think this is normal, as children tend not to see other families and parents close up.
Often in therapy, when you become aware of having suffered emotional abuse as a child, the first reaction is one of surprise. Wasn’t everyone treated this way?
The answer is no. Most parents attempt to emotionally nurture their children, even if at times they’re misguided. And most children grow up knowing on some level that an adult has their back.
What can I do now, if I was emotionally neglected as a child?
- Begin to pay attention to your feelings. If you often experience bouts of rage, depression, fear, or lack of self worth, pay attention to these feelings, without either stifling them or acting on them.
- a. If you tend to not be aware of your emotions, pay attention to if or when you start to space out, glaze over or want to withdraw from the situation. It’s not true that you or anyone doesn’t have feelings. It is true that cutting yourself off from your emotions may have been a survival strategy that worked for you as a child growing up in your family. That strategy may no longer be working for you, particularly in intimate relationships.
- Become aware of your negative beliefs or thoughts. A thought always comes before a feeling. When you experience a difficult emotion, try asking yourself, ‘What was I just telling myself about myself’? It might take you a few tries, but you’ll get it.
- Once you identify the negative belief or thought pattern, ask yourself, “What is true about this as I know it?”
Usually we take our unexamined thoughts to be the truth when really they’re just brain waves occurring in our mind. They aren’t real, as we imagine them to be.
For example, if you have a negative belief that you learned as a child that says, ”you never do anything right,” identify this as simply a belief or thought, not truth. Then ask yourself what is really true about this statement.
It’s unlikely that you’ve never done anything right, so see what’s true about this. Maybe it’s something like, “sometimes I do things right and sometimes I do things wrong.” That’s a far cry from never doing anything right.
- Consider seeing a therapist if you believe that suffering from childhood emotional neglect may be getting in the way for you now, particularly in your ability to establish and maintain intimate relationships. There is help, you are not alone, and it’s possible to lead an emotionally rich and rewarding life without the neglect bully hanging around your neck.
Teena “Dhyan” Summers is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) working with individuals and couples in Ashland and Medford, OR, as well as online worldwide. Visit summerstherapy.com for more information.